Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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