I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
