i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
