FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
