You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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