I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
