His hands were made for my vagina.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
