Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
