First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
