Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
