finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
