he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm too high and old for this...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
