I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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