my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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