HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
