I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
