If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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