TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
