If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
