I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
