life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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