I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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