Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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