everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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