True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
