Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Someone came in the potted fern
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
