This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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