I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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