im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
