I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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