She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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