Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
