i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
