We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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