I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
