How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
