They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
