i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
