I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
