the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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