Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
