I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
