FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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