I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
