i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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