she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
