He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's always time for handjobs
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
