well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
