No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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