i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
