Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
