I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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