"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
