I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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