Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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