I hope mine doesn't look like that
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
