im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
