my shit smells like andre
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
