Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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