So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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